If you’re a follower of former evangelical pastor and conservative activist David Barton, you can kiss any fun in your life good-bye. Heck, you can kiss most things that support your lifestyle good-bye.
On May 19th, Barton gave a sermon at Whitesburg Baptist Church in Huntsville, Alabama in which he fingered Starbucks as a corporation that supports marriage equality. He said:
Starbucks is pouring all this money into destroying traditional marriage. The question is, can a Christian give money to a group he knows will use it to attack what God supports. If you know that, when you buy a cup of Starbucks, 5, 10, 15 cents is going to be used to defeat marriage, can you do that? The answer is no. Biblically, there’s no way a Christian can help support what is attacking God. I’m sorry, you’ve got to find some other coffee to drink. You can’t drink Starbucks and be Biblically correct on this thing. It’s just a real simple principle.
So Starbucks is off the list, evangelicals. But following Barton’s reasoning, what other things are you going to have to give up? There’s been a lot of publicity given to companies that support marriage equality and the rights of the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered) community, so let’s take a look at what you can no longer have as part of your life and still be right with God. These corporations, too, support equality.
1. Obviously, Starbucks has the #1 spot, because it was identified so dramatically by Barton. But look at what else:
2. Coca-Cola. Oh darn. America’s favorite carbonated beverage. Well, you could convert to Mormonism and be forbidden to consume caffeine, if that would provide any consolation. Or maybe you could turn to the next most popular soda.
3. Pepsi-Cola. Oops. Guess not. How about Gatorade? Oh, sorry. That’s made by Pepsi.
4. Absolut Vodka. In case this process is starting to drive you a little crazy, you should know that some alcohol is off the list. But you don’t drink anyway, do you?
The search for all the no-nos could keep a person real busy. However, forging on …
5. Apple. So if you have an Apple computer, or iPad, or iPhone, you’ll have to trash those and find some other way of looking stuff up.
6. Google. No matter. There’re other search engines, right?
7. Microsoft. But you can’t use a Microsoft system to find those search engines, which just might eliminate all of your computer options anyway. And you know that includes Xbox, right?
8. Facebook. So now that you don’t have a computer, you won’t even miss Facebook.
10. Verizon. This makes it difficult to even call a friend to find out the pertinent information for insuring eternal salvation. But they’d have to look it up on an Apple or Microsoft system and you wouldn’t want to endanger their immortal souls. Would you? Maybe we should move on to another category.
11. American Apparel. Oh, darn again. You were probably thinking ‘Buy American’, right? And there goes one of the prime purveyors of American-made clothing.
12. Nordstrom’s. A little less style in your life. Too bad.
13. Gap. A little less style in your kids’ life. They’re gonna be mad. Especially since they can’t go to the next two places, either.
14. Old Navy.
15. Banana Republic. Oh, well, maybe you needed some less expensive options anyway.
18. J.C. Penney’s.
Ar-r-rgh! Still, there’s Walmart. You’ll love to know that, even though Walmart initially supported gay and lesbian causes, they quickly backpedaled, even pushing to ban adoptions by gay people a few years ago. So now that we have your clothing problem solved (it’s up to you to tell your kids their clothes are coming from Walmart from now on), let’s move on to something else.
19. American Airlines.
20. Delta Airlines. Oh, that’s too bad. Delta is one of the safest airlines in the country.
21. United Airlines. Also one of the safest–but there are cheaper ways to go anyway.
22. Southwest Airlines. Beats the other two in safety and, usually, in price. Time to think about traveling by car.
24. General Motors.
All three of the top American car companies have a perfect score from the Human Rights Campaign Foundation for their policies toward LBGT employees. Oh, dear. But why have transportation when it’s getting so difficult to find a place to go? Look at what’s next on the list.
26. Marriott Hotels. This one is owned by the Mormon Church. Who can you trust anymore?
Comfort foods! That’s what we need at this point, so moving right along…
27. Kraft Foods. There goes mac and cheese! Of the most familiar variety, at least.
28. Oreo. Oh, man, pissed off the kids again! I mean, AHEM, ticked them off, didn’t you?
29. Ben and Jerry’s. You’re just going to have to start ignoring all those wails from the half-pints.
32. Olive Garden.
33. Red Lobster.
That’s ok. More home cooking is a good thing, except good luck buying groceries that don’t involve the next two companies. Shopping is going to take a little more time with all the label checking you’ll be doing.
34. General Mills. There goes the kids’ cereals!
35. Proctor & Gamble.
Maybe you can find some popcorn that isn’t distributed by either of these companies and barricade you and the kids at home with a little distracting entertainment.
37. Lucas Films.
39. The Muppets.
40. Pixar. Have the kids stopped speaking to you yet?
43. ABC. Getting difficult to educate yourselves, isn’t it? Oh, that’s right! Education isn’t a priority, so no problem.
There’s always entertainment for adults.
46. eBay. Can’t even go on an online shopping spree! But I’m forgetting myself. You should have given up your computer by the time we got to #7.
All this research into what’s evil and what’s not is wearing me out. I don’t envy your futures, evangelicals. But just to relieve the burden a little more, I’ll throw in a few extra miscellaneous items. You’re welcome, but then you’re on your own!
48. Home Depot.
49. Barnes And Noble. Without either this or Amazon, I’m not sure where you’re going to get all your Bibles.
50. Nike. Oh, the kids!
51. Walgreens. Where will you get anxiety-relieving drugs?
That’s all I’m giving out. Hereafter,don’t contact me for more information. Maybe you can send smoke signals to David Barton to get what you need!