How To Engage In “Accurate” Intimacy, The Republican Way

You might have noticed that the left-wing, state-controlled media have been criticizing the comments of Texas Senator Bob Deuell, who rightly stated during the recent congressional debate on abortion restrictions that pregnancy occurs only following “accurate intercourse.” These godless, sex-drenched lefties have the gall not only to question the wisdom of Senator Deuell, a board-certified family physician, but also insinuate that there are multiple ways to perform intercourse!

As we all know, there is only one?true way to conceive life — the Republican way. So here for the enlightenment of the immoral and depraved are the official instructions for engaging in “accurate” sex.

1. To get in the mood, you and your opposite-sex spouse may share a six-pack of Coors Light while listening to Ted Nugent. Some conservative couples find that reading a little George Will or Charles Krauthammer in bed does the trick as well.

2. Do not engage in what the heathens refer to as foreplay, which was invented by evil feminists in the 1960s to agonize men and prolong the sinful act of sex. An erection is God’s way of telling you that all systems are go.

3. The Republican-approved sexual position is missionary because the man can assert his dominance over the woman while also showing contrition and penitence on bended knees.

4. Three or four firm thrusts ought to do it. After injecting your seed, dismount as you would a horse and immediately cover your genitalia. Remember, baby Jesus is watching.

5. Pray for the hand of the Holy Father to guide the most heterosexual sperm cell, straight and true.

6. Wait an hour. If you listen carefully, you might hear your child take its first breath in the mother’s womb. The following morning, well-prepared parents may request a Social Security number for their child, and as well as demand that it not be placed into Head Start along with the spawns of poor, socialist, minority parents.

Easy cheesy! If any of these steps are not strictly followed, “accurate” intercourse has not been practiced, which threatens the creation of a little Christian baby. It’s still a mystery to us how atheists, Muslims, communists and homosexuals breed, but we eagerly await Senator Deuell’s authoritative explanation.


Edited and published by WP

Joseph Guyer resides in the reddest state in the Union, a wondrous place where pick-up trucks proudly display swinging novelty testicles, fried sticks of butter are deemed safe for human consumption, and female escorts can lawfully be shot for refusing to sleep with you. He firmly agrees with Bill Clinton that there is nothing wrong with America that can't be cured by what is right with America. You can find him on Twitter @joerobguy.