This Just In! Sarah Palin Wants Phil Robertson To Run For President



In the history of comedy, there have been a number of truly legendary duos.? Abbott and Costello.? Dean and Lewis.? Tenacious D.? Carrot Top and that trunk of props he carries around with him.? But on May 29th, a new comedic partnership took a stage together in New Orleans that could rival them all.? Are you ready for it?? I don’t think you are…

Palin and Robertson.

Yes, real America’s favorite half-term Alaska Governor and helicopter enthusiast, teaming up with America’s favorite hairy, bigoted swamp creature… together at long last.? If any two Kardashians and Justin Bieber visited that stage within that same hour, the CDC would’ve been forced to evacuate southern Louisiana due to the threat of a rapid depletion of IQ points going airborne and viral.

But it gets even better, if you’ll believe that.? Palin, forever looking for a new presidential candidate to latch onto, and probably convinced being vice president is better than the presidency itself because it has a whole second word in the title (you betcha!), went so far as to nod her endorsement toward a Robertson presidential run.


This dreadful?fateful encounter happened on May 29th, at the Republican Leadership Conference, an event where conservatives, hoping to one day argue about who loves Ronald Reagan the most against two-dozen other loons on a?Fox News?primary debate stage, display their crazed wares to the radicalized right-wing base, tapping out buzzword feeder pellets like “Benghazi!” and “Obamacare!” and “climate change hoax!” to score cheap points with people who don’t read a whole lot.

And it was here, at this event oozing with GOP presidential primary despair, that Sarah Palin offered up her presidential endorsement to Phil Robertson, a reality TV star who contributes little, if anything, to the human race as a whole, and might be the only person in the whole of the United?States less qualified for office than she is herself.

“Maybe he should be not just the Duck Commander,” Palin said.? “How about a `Duck Commander in Chief?'”? And a big juicy feeder pellet rolled its way into the audience.

In a way, this is eerily similar to a case of life imitating art.? Last month, I wrote a satire article in which I suggested that another bigoted right-wing loon, Cliven Bundy, was polling strong amongst likely 2016 GOP presidential contenders.? As a satirist, it’s my duty to present something absurd enough that you can’t believe it.? But lately, it seems like there’s no amount of crazy I can inject into those satire articles that can compete with the real thing.