Through my years of work in the LGBT community, I have been shocked?to find out how many people actually “do not believe in” bisexuality, especially among males. But they?do?exist.
I asked my friend Brandon if I could interview him. He is a young male living in Charlotte, NC and identifies as bisexual. His story sheds light on this often misunderstood segment of the population.
Me:?Where are you from and where do you live now?
Brandon: I am from a very small town in the Foothills of North Carolina. I now live in Charlotte where I go to school.
Me: What do you identify as sexually?
Brandon: I identify as bisexual
Me: How has your other identities had an affect on your sexuality? Whether its your race, your family background, your geographic location, religion, etc…
Brandon: Well I was raised by three different females: my mom, grandma, and aunt. My father was never in my life until I graduated high school. So growing up without a male figure in my life, I feel, has affected me and my sexuality.
Me: When did you realize your sexuality was different? Did you realize an attraction to girls first or boys? Or both?
Brandon: I feel like I have always been attracted to both male and females. I remember as a kid having a crush on the Pink Power Ranger but then I also found the White Power Ranger very attractive as well. I didn’t know I could find both attractive, I thought I was messed up or something was wrong with me. It wasn’t until high school I actually learned about bisexuality and secretly identified as that. I actually came out to my friends towards the middle of last year and then came out to my family on Christmas of last year.
Me: Many people think that bisexual means you like men and women 50/50 or equally. Could you explain whether you think this is a myth? Why or why not?
Brandon: I think people believe?you have to be attracted to both 50/50 because bisexuality is still something a little taboo to some people and they are not informed. The way I tell people that its not a myth is through my own personal experiences.
Me: Have you had more female or male relationships/partners? Do you this accurately reflects your identity? In other words, do you wish you have had more of a certain type of partner, but there are social or other factors that have prevented that?
Brandon: I have been in four or five relationships with females (1 within the past 4 years). I haven’t had sex with these ladies but I know that I attached to them emotionally. For guys it has been the opposite. I have sexually been involved with three guys. Two have been random hookups and the other was a friend with benefits. I haven’t really found myself emotionally attracted to a guy. In the future I do see myself with a wife and kids. But I can very easily see myself with a husband and adopted kids. I really want to have a child from me though. I wish at this point in my life I have been with more females sexually.
Me: Many people just do not think men can be bisexual. If you could say something to these people, what would that be?
Brandon: I would say that they are being ignorant to the fact that many guys actually are bisexual. How is it fair that females can only be bisexual? Love is love and it does not discriminate based on sex.
Me: Sexual fluidity is still a new and rarely discussed topic. Do you think women have it easier when it comes to living lives that can be defined as “fluid?” Do you believe men are forced into more rigid sexual identities and labels? What has your personal experience been with this?
Brandon: I 100% believe females have it easier with sexual fluidity. How many times have you heard straight guys say ?Oh hell yeah, I love lesbians.?, ?Lesbians are hot!? or? ?I love lesbian porn!? I have never heard straight girls be like ?Gay guys are hot!? or ?I love watching gay guys have ?sex!? I believe bi guys are shunned by a lot of people in the straight and LGBT community. When I came out to my family my grandma and mom both told me ?You’ll just turn out gay in the end because no girl wants to be with a bisexual guy!?
Me: Why do you think society makes men choose either 100% gay or 100% straight? And how can we change this?
Brandon: I think society does this because they don’t want to accept it. A lot of people are turned off by the fact that a guy who has been with another guy is trying to be with a girl. The only way this is going to change is when change their mindset about the LGBT as a whole and sees all of us as normal people.
Me: Do you think the LGBT looks down upon bisexuals and others that do not perfectly fit into the gay or lesbian label? Describe your personal feelings and experiences (we obviously cannot generalize too much here).
Brandon: Oh I definitely know that the rest of the LGBT community looks down on bisexual people. I feel that bisexual people are ?Outsiders to the outsiders? because we get so much crap?from mostly lesbians and gays. I feel like a lot of gay and lesbian people are total hypocrites because they’re all about equality but tell them you’re bisexual and they will judge the hell out of you. Bisexuals are supposed to find open arms within the LGBT community because the straight community shuns them but it seems like the LGT community shuns them even more. I feel about 60% of gay and lesbian people judge bisexual people and it is not fair.
Me: Some gay people have talked with me regarding their feelings about people who are fluid. I have heard that they believe bisexuals just want the best of both worlds. They want to be able to fall back on heterosexual privilege by not labeling themselves as completely gay. Do you think this is true??
Brandon: I cannot speak for other bisexual people but I feel like I am bisexual because I don’t care if you’re male or female. If you make me happy and treat me well I don’t care if you are a guy or girl. People are going to think what they want and a lot of times you cant change that. If they want to think that I believe they should hang out with a bisexual person for a while and then see how they feel after hanging out.
Me: If you could say one thing to a young boy who may be struggling with his identify and who believes he may be bisexual, what would you say to him?
Brandon: I would simply tell the boy to be whoever or whatever he wants to be! Life is too short to be scared of what people think. But I feel the longer you wait to let people know it is going to be harder to tell people. Be you from the start and stay true to yourself. You only have to make one person happy in your life and the person is you!
I thank Brandon for his time. I would like to briefly touch on a few things that he brought up. It is interesting that he has been attracted to males and females for a long time. Many people assume that bisexuality is a phase or a trend, or a stepping stone towards coming out as completely gay. Brandon’s story proves that bisexuality is just as natural as heterosexuality or homosexuality.
It is an interesting aspect to Brandon’s story how he has had more romantic (but not sexual) relationships with women, and vice versa when it comes to men. I am curious if ?other bisexuals feel that it is easier to have relationships with members of the opposite sex and pure hookups with members of the same sex?
I also want to point out that recent studies have shown that many women do in fact watch gay male porn and actually like it. So it is not just lesbian porn that people are watching!
I want to caution people against something Brandon mentioned. He said that women have it easier when it comes to sexual fluidity because of how a lot of men think women-women encounters are hot. However, I do not think this means men even approve of LGBT-identified people and couples. Many men are only approving of these encounters as they provide a type of sexual arousal. This does not illustrate men’s overarching support of and love of true bisexual or lesbian women, rather it degrades them to sexual objects whose sexual experiences are for their [men’s] benefit, and not each others’.
Lastly, I have seen many in the LGBT community look down upon bisexuals. Of course this does not represent the community as a whole, but it is interesting that Brandon and I have had similar experiences in this area. I agree that it is hypocritical for people in the lesbian and gay communities to shame bisexuals. Sexual minorities are all oppressed so?we should stick together. This community has asked for acceptance and tolerance from the straight community, yet too many will be quick to judge those who do not identify as 100?percent?straight nor 100?percent?gay. We need to work to show how fluid sexuality often is and break the rigidity that has defined the sexual community for so long.
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