Just a quick disclaimer before we delve into the most preposterous story I’ve heard in awhile: I promise this didn’t come from The Onion. I’m clarifying that because the following story is so out-of-this-world obtuse, I felt it was only right to give all our readers fair warning.
With that being said, let’s get down to brass tacks: Azucar Bakery of Denver, Colorado is owned and operated by Marjorie Silva, and back in March 2014 Silva had the misfortune of running into the King of All A**holes, Mr. Bill Jack.
What began as a routine and even charming order quickly went south moments after Jack opened his flagrantly ignorant mouth. Jack’s order originally consisted of a few Bible-shaped cakes, which Silva happily agreed to make for him. The arrangement hit a snag when Jack handed her a sheet of instructions for decorating the cakes, which among other things included the phrase “God hates gays”.
Silva acted as any level-headed, rational and mature adult would by quickly denying Jack’s request. Jack, severely lacking in all the human characteristics listed above, felt very passionately that he in fact was the one being wronged.
According to 9News, a Colorado-based affiliate of NBC, Jack was too much of a coward to let any other Azucar employees see the paper and also refused to say any of his despicable decorative requests out loud.
Soon after the King of All A**holes left the store, Silva was contacted by the Department of Regulatory Agencies who informed her that she was under investigation for religious discrimination against a customer. Yes, you read that right: Jack left with his tail between his legs and called the DORA because the kind hearted Marjorie Silva was being a big bad bully to him.
It should come as no surprise that Jack is a founder of Worldview Academy, which is another one of those out-of-touch religious sects that the world could really do without.
When contacted by 9News for comment, Jack once again flashed his trademark gutlessness by refusing to say anything other than, “I believe I was discriminated against by the bakery based on my creed. As a result, I filed a complaint with the Colorado Civil Rights division.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but that sounds like some pretty concrete logic to me. Just kidding, we’re talking about the King of All A**holes here.
In the midst of the legal process playing out, USA Today was able to get in touch with Nancy Leong, a law professor at the University of Denver. In what surely was a complete waste of her time and knowledge, Leong confirmed that Silva was indeed in the right when she denied Jack’s request: “This is not a situation where a business owner denied service to somebody,” Leong said. “She offered to accommodate him to the extent that she could. In fact, requiring her to write that message would infringe on her own free speech rights.”
In comments made to 9News, Silva remarked, “It’s unfair that he’s accusing me of discriminating when I think he was the one that is discriminating.”
If you’d like to leave Marjorie Silva a message of support, this link will send you to the Azucar Bakery Facebook page. If you want to go a step further and become a customer of Silva’s fine establishment, this link will take you to the bakery’s website.
Hopefully we will have an update for our readers when this idiocy is resolved, but until then I’d like to leave Bill Jack with some valuable advice:
To the undisputed King of All A**holes Mr. Bill Jack,
When every other party involved in this monumental waste of time lawsuit agrees that you should shut up and go back to Worldview Academy, it’s probably time to pack it up, shut up…and go back to Worldview Academy. Oh, and for the good of humanity, never leave there again. Please and thank you.