I am an expert in Mother’s Day gifts, because I am my kid’s life-long mother. And about this time people are wondering what on earth to give their mothers. Just remember that we spent 20 hours in labor birthing you. We survived three years of sleep deprivation when you were a baby. And we forgave you for driving our new car over a concrete pylon.
In spite of all that, I’m going to be a good mother and give you a heads-up on seven really bad Mother’s Day gift ideas and six excellent ones.
Bad Mother’s Day Ideas
1. E-Gift Card
A gift card is always an option ? a bad option. Think about all those years of sleep deprivation before you hit “send” on the equivalent of an email with the stationery option. Pretty cheap. Even a hard copy card is pretty cheap for Mother’s Day.
2. Tankini Swimwear
I knew a 70-year-old woman who wore bikinis. Oh she looked worse than terrible in it. But she did say it was comfortable. Just know that 20 hours of labor with you left me with a figure that will never again see the light of day.
3. Yoga Tops
No. No. No. In your mother’s era we called these slinky little things bras. After our own?“Mad Men” brainwashing, no mother is comfortable wearing just her bra out in public. Okay, Madonna does it – I’ll give you that. But where are the yoga bottom half of this gift? Are we going without those now?
4. Golf Gloves
First of all, I don’t play golf. I walk. And gloves are not required clothing for walking until next November. If you are really hot on golf gloves, get them for me on Veteran’s Day (November 11th). Then I will appreciate them – if they are lined with pretend fur.
5. Perfume
Just because you hate my perfume is no reason to use Mother’s Day as an excuse to update me. I like my perfume, so anything I cannot pronounce will just go into the back of my closet. And in the great list of pluses and minuses ? this gift is a big minus.
6. Audiobooks
See here’s the thing, I like the feel of paper. Curling up with a real live book is my idea of escape. So if I need a device before I can read it, like my car, that isn’t exactly relaxing.
7. Fifty Shades of Grey
Oh I could tell you 50 reasons this is a bad idea, but I won’t. Yes I like books, but I don’t want my hands to feel slimy when I turn the page. Unless you really hate me, this is a way inappropriate book for Mother’s Day.
Good Mother’s Day Ideas
1. Flowers
I love flowers. Give them to me while I’m alive. It’s too late when I’m dead. I won’t appreciate them at my funeral – trust me. I like one perfect rose ? but not when you’re pulling down $50k. Use the rule of thumb, one rose for every $1k on Mother’s Day.
2. Caroline Wozniacki
Now that you’re making the big bucks, tickets to watch Caroline Wozniacki play tennis would be nice for Mother’s Day. And send the plane tickets, too, (you didn’t expect me to walk, did you?) to anywhere outside of these 48 contiguous states.
3. A Mammogram
You don’t have to know how it works, just buy me one – and get one for yourself while you are at it. And don’t ?ewwwwww? me, young lady. Angelina Jolie can tell you how important a ?mammogram is – just ask her.
4. Lunch with Mark Harmon
Yes, I am aware that Mark Harmon looks just like a younger Grandpa, but here’s the thing, Son — I don’t care. I want 60 uninterrupted minutes of looking at him. You can even skip the lunch part.
5. Chocolate
You really can’t go wrong with chocolate on Mother’s Day ? unless it’s a chocolate rabbit pulled from the back of the on-sale Easter bin. Dark chocolate over anything tastes like Heaven. But do not let them desecrate my chocolate with weird stuff like chili peppers or ravioli.
6. You
Spending time with you, regardless of what I said when you were a teenager, is wonderful. There is only one you. And one me. But this Mother’s Day make sure that’s a gift behind your back and not a dandelion from the neighbor’s yard.
