Just a quick warning to those with delicate sensibilities that this post is about to be REALLY NSFW.
Now that that is out of the way, let’s get down to fucking business, shall we?
In the best shit I have read all week, science is now confirming what those of us with potty mouths have known all along: there are health benefits to swearing.
Health Benefits #1 – You Feel Less Pain
You know when you accidentally run into the doorjamb or trip on the sidewalk and let rip some curse words? Science has proven that cursing actually tricks your brain into feeling less pain. The clinical term for this health benefit is “hypoalgesic effect of swearing.” No matter what you call it though, telling the inanimate object that you just ran into to fuck off for being there will help heal the hurt just a bit.
Health Benefits #2 – You Feel More Confident
While I am not suggesting you tell your boss to fuck off at your next staff meeting, science has proven that swearing does lend itself to feeling more in control in a situation. According to the authors of the study, when we swear, it activates a “fight-or-flight” response within our brain and bodies. This response then triggers a higher heart rate and causes us to feel some aggression. While obviously it is not good to get aggressive in most situations, this increase in aggression for this situation tells our brains that we are strong and powerful. So the next time you need a little pep talk, tell yourself that you are fucking awesome and then go and kick some ass!
Health Benefits #3 – You Are More Attractive
So this one is less of a health benefit, and more of just a general life benefit. It also was done in a study that is not quite as scientific as the ones referenced above. However, fuck that shit, because apparently cursing makes you hotter to others. When done in appropriate contexts, both men and women said cursing was a big turn-on. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions from that.
Health Benefits #4 – You Feel Less Stressed Overall
In today’s world, stress is a constant for most of us. We are always on the go, and always tethered to the world via our smartphones and computers. But studies have shown that those who curse report feeling less stressed overall than those who don’t. This is likely due to the fact that cursing requires some letting go of the emotions and frustrations you may have bottled up inside. And once you’ve blown off some fucking steam, doesn’t it feel really nice and peaceful afterwards?
Health Benefits #5 – You Feel Closer To Family & Friends
By yelling at the opposing football team on TV, or railing against the injustices of why all men seem to leave their socks everywhere, you can actually form a stronger bond when you curse. One author found that when you curse in front of people, perhaps by telling the referees that they are full of shit (please don’t do this in person – only at the TV), you are showing that you are “comfortable enough in their company to be yourself and feel relaxed. By cursing in front of other people, you send them the signal that you’re open, honest and easy going.” I certainly feel much closer to my friends when have a girls night and tell society to fuck their beauty standards. However, I caution people against busting this shit out just anywhere. As in comedy, know your audience before trying this.
Health Benefits #6 – You’re A Future Mensa Member
Ok, sorry, that is actually a giant fucking lie. But scientific research did show that cursing is not negatively related to intellect. Despite what your mother may have told you, swearing like a sailor will not make you look ignorant or stupid. Even better, some scientists posit that those who curse actually have a larger vocabulary and higher emotional intelligence, thus making them smarter over all.
So, in conclusion, continue to fucking swear as much as you want. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, you have two options:
- You can either quote these health benefits, or
- You can quote one of the best emails I have ever seen go viral: “[F]or those of you who are offended at this . . . , I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.“