On Saturday, my wife and I went to the AMC theater at Grapevine Mills Mall to see AmeriGEDDON, the newest “movies that make a difference” effort by Gary Heavin and Mike Norris, the son of Walker, Texas Ranger. While the movie is supposed to be an indictment of the American left-wing, it actually turned out to be a hilarious parody of überconservative politics. It’s like God’s Not Dead for right-wing wackjob doomsday peppers, ideologically financed by InfoWars, Drudge Report, and AboveTopSecret.
Even knowing that my wife and I were seeing a piece of right-wing cinematic trash, there were several things we learned from the moment we bought the tickets to the immediate aftermath of our movie-going experience. Even though it should be obvious, I’m going to go ahead and denote there are SPOILERS AHEAD, because if I don’t, we all know someone will get pissed.
The Universe Works In Mysterious Ways
Following the purchase of our tickets, my wife and I entered the theater and made our way to the concession stand. Our goal was not to spend too much money on snacks and beverages, so instead of a king’s ransom of popcorn, candy, and whatever else, we opted instead for just a small popcorn, a soda, and a bottle of water.
After the girl at the concession stand rang up our purchase, I felt this chill run through my spine (I actually didn’t, but for storytelling purposes, I felt like someone had just walked across my grave). As if the universe was telling me that forking over $20 for tickets to this cinematic tragedy was a good decision, the total cost of concessions came out to:
To Appeal To Right-Wing Nutjobs, Make Sure Your Coming Attractions Appeal To Their Right-Wing Nutjobiness
Coming attractions are an integral part of any cinematic experience. There’s actually strategy involved in figuring out what movie trailers will be shown prior to the feature presentation.
AmeriGEDDON is a purely fictional movie designed to appeal to a specific kind of moviegoer and true to Hollywood form, the previews are a clear reflection. Of the six trailers shown prior to AmeriGEDDON, five were “based on a true story” fictional flicks over such topics as faith, oil drilling, Bob Musella, arms dealing, and the NSA. The sixth and final preview was some Dinesh D’Souza waste of time about Hillary Clinton and the “secret history” of the Democrats, because it’s not a far-right conspiracy theorist party without some kind of unsubstantiated, inflammatory rhetoric about the liberals.
The Right-Wing Nutjob Is The Sage Hero, But His Wisdom Is Mocked and Suppressed By The Ignorant And The Evil
As should have been expected, the main protagonist, a crazy right-wing “patriot” named Charlie (played by Curves-founder Gary Heavin), is fully aware of the pending U.N. invasion. He appeals to the federal government, where he is shut down by a congressman played by Mayor of Crazytown Alex Jones. He is called a “fascist” and a “conspiracy nut” by Penny, the daughter of his bumbling idiot liberal politician friend. Charlie lives at a compound called “The Last Resort,” because you can’t be a right-wing wacko without having a home base named like it should be a pirate haven on the Spanish Main.
But when the U.N. cuts the nation’s power and imposes martial law, guess who is the hero of the day? The right-wing “patriot” with the weapons stockpile.
The U.N. Will Rain Down The Right-Wing Apocalypse
While the right-wing conspiracy theorist is the “hero” of the movie, the villains are the United Nations. Heavin and Norris paint the U.N. as masterminds of some “shadow government” that has the President of the United States by the short hairs. The “leader” of the U.N. is some guy who looks and talks like a douche-nozzle. The two major U.N. figures who seize control of a small portion of the U.S. military — because that’s apparently all you need to do to impose martial law — are a Russian guy and a Chinese guy, because of course they are.
Action movies thrive on the “good vs. evil” trope. The usage of this trope, combined with the alignment of the movie’s players, makes AmeriGEDDON seem less like a “wake up call of what might be our future” and more like what Ammon Bundy will probably be screaming while sharing a prison cell with a dude named “Brunhilda.”
People Actually Buy This Crap Wholesale
My wife and I were two of the 11 total people who committed movie theater prices to right-wing Red Dawn at 3:50 pm on May 23, 2016 at AMC 30 at Grapevine Mills Mall. As far as I could tell, my wife and I were the only people in that theater who saw AmeriGEDDON for what it was: paranoid, ridiculous, farcical, ideological.
During the movie, the couple sitting to the left of my wife and I made various comments about the movie’s subject matter. Her husband even made a finger gun and “shot” it at the leader of the U.N. when he mentioned “Operation Darkstar has commenced.”
Following the movie, when my wife and I were standing outside of the theater discussing our notes, the man and his wife approached us. “You guys were taking notes, right?” he asked. My wife and nodded. The man proceeded to tell us about the importance of taking those notes, assuming that our note-taking was for informative purposes and not because I was to write an article mocking the cinematic tragedy. He and his wife told us to “stay safe” and “stay aware,” before presumably heading home to their underground bunker.
At the end of the day, AmeriGEDDON is a piece of shit. Beyond the terrible writing, piss-poor direction, and pathetic acting, the movie fails to achieve its objective as an indictment of American liberal attitudes and instead appears before moviegoers as Conservatism by Monty Python. It’s a poor film bent around ludicrous ideological points, joining such conservative cinematic “masterpieces” as American Sniper, Lone Survivor, God’s Not Dead, and Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas in a hall of fame for flicks with overtly-nationalistic and paranoid conservative attitudes, a place that may or may not be located in Roger Ailes’ colon.
Featured image is a screengrab via YouTube.
