The 6 Reasons Battered Women (And Men) Stay In Abusive Relationships (VIDEO)

Nearly 20 people per minute are abused by their partners.

Domestic violence hotlines receive over 20,000 calls per year. Many people end up staying in these relationships. A common question asked by people who just don’t get it is “WHY do they stay???”. Here are some of the reasons.

1. Family

Huffington Post
Huffington Post

Some women stay because of their children. People may also not believe in divorce; many older people believe that you are married for life. A lady named Lisette shared her story about her abusive husband:

“Over the next two decades, his verbal assaults became more frequent and more intense, until it was rare that a day went by without some sort of altercation. During those years, I considered leaving several times. But one thing stopped me: my two children. I was very concerned that if I did leave, I wouldn’t get full custody. I was afraid of what would happen if he were left alone to look after them. It seemed safer to stay. At least, I thought, I could protect them if I was there.

“I also felt societal pressure to stick it out. The way I grew up, you married for life. My parents were married 47 years. I knew things were pretty rough and rocky in my marriage, but I forged ahead. I wanted to believe he could change and be the loving, respectful man my father was to my mother. I was constantly torn between trying to create the dream — the stable, loving family I grew up with — and the reality of my situation.”

Unfortunately, many women who are abused have children with their abuser. That can make it even more difficult to get away from their abuser. The father could sue for custody. He or she could use those children to control the victim and keep them from leaving.

Sometimes these stories can end tragically. One woman and her three children were murdered by her husband just one day after she tried to get a protective order. They ended up being the victims of his quadruple murder-suicide.

2. Love

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Huffington Post

Jennifer stayed with her husband because she loved him.

“For me, I was in love. If I needed to suffer to be with my soul mate, so be it. Love is meant to hurt, right?”

“…I believed I could love the abuse out of him. I thought if I were a good enough girlfriend — if I just loved him enough — he wouldn’t want to hurt me again. It was almost a sick game in my head that I thought I could conquer. I am going to make him not want to abuse me. I will love him so much he won’t hurt me anymore. I didn’t necessarily think I could change him. I thought I could make him so much more in love with me that it would click — he wouldn’t want to hurt me.”

Abusers may be charming and seductive at first, but they can flip quickly. Sometimes, they will layer on the sweet apologies after abusing their partner. They may say things like “no one else will love you.” They want their victim to feel like the abuser is the only person who loves them.

3. Isolation

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Huffington Post

Lovern had an abuser who isolated her away from her family and friends. He forced her to choose between them and him. Her story:

“You need to choose: them or me. That’s the ultimatum my abuser gave me. You can either have your friends and your family, or you can have me. I was young and in love and I chose him. And said goodbye to the next two years of my life.”

“I was 21 when we met, and living with my mother and my two brothers. I had tons of friends, a decent job and I took classes at night. Soon after I started dating him, my family told me they disapproved. They saw something in him that I couldn’t see. But I had this Bonnie-and-Clyde type of attitude. You guys just don’t like him because I love him, I thought. Get over it.”

“The first time he slapped me, I said: This is not going to be me.My mother had been a victim of domestic abuse, and I grew up in Trinidad watching her being beaten by my dad. This is not my future, I swore.”

4. Money

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Huffington Post

Many abusers use money to keep their victims under their control. Kate said:

“We moved to a military base in Virginia and I became completely isolated. I worked at home for an insurance company and barely saw any of my civilian friends. He took complete control of our finances. He waited until after we were married to tell me that he was thousands of dollars in debt. Because his credit was so bad, he said, any big purchases for our family would have to go on my credit cards. At that point, I didn’t even have a credit card. I had zero debt. He assured me that he would help me pay off any purchases. But he wouldn’t allow us to have a joint bank account, so all his money was kept separate. I thought it was odd, but he wouldn’t budge.”

“Three years later, we moved to Florida and bought a house together. He asked me to buy all the furniture on my credit cards. I said yes — I wanted to do my part for my family. I knew he had money and I had no reason to believe that he wouldn’t help me pay it back. But I didn’t realize what was happening: I was shouldering all the debts, while he was keeping the assets. He was hoarding his money and forcing me to spend all of mine.”

Abusers can use money or employment to control their victim. They may take over the finances so that the victim can’t get to the money. The abuser may insist on keeping a separate bank account, but they will ask the victim to spend their money. The abuser may force the victim to stay isolated in the house, so they physically can’t get to work. Many domestic violence victims have a hard time keeping a job because her life is chaotic.

5. Shame

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Huffington Post

Gabbe told her story of her abuser shaming her and how he made her feel bad about herself. She had one horrific story:

“On the third night, he thought of a new way to destroy me. He pulled out a camera and forced me to give his pit bull oral sex while he videotaped it. He said he wanted to prove what kind of cheater I was. He told me he would use the video to blackmail me if I left him or told anyone about the abuse. He would make sure everyone saw the video, including my birth mother in Chile. It gave him that much more power and control over me. That night, I felt like I was stuck with him no matter what. I was trapped. I felt like his property. I was literally just his punching bag.”

“His abuse progressed very quickly. It all happened in one week. He drugged me, he tried to kill me, he raped me. I had bruises all over my face and all over my rear end. I believe he would have killed me. If not with his own two hands, then with the drugs. If he gave me too much, I would have overdosed. I’m surprised I didn’t.”

6. Fear

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Huffington Post

Nicole told her story about the fear her abuser put into her. She was afraid that one of them was going to die:

“He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me back into the house. He ordered our two kids to go upstairs. Once we were inside, he started punching me. We were in the laundry room and he grabbed shoes and boots and used them to hit me in the face. He jumped on my ribcage and cracked my rib. He strangled me until I saw stars. I was sure I was going to die. He pulled me into the living room and pointed his gun at me for hours. He loaded and unloaded it, ranting about what was wrong with me.”

“The next morning, the first thing he said was that I owed him an apology for almost making him kill me. He didn’t let me leave the house for three days because of all the bruises. After I was allowed to leave the house again, he warned me that if I told anyone or left him, he would hunt me down. He was going to shoot me. He was going to paralyze me. He was going to throw acid on my face. He was going to slit my throat.”

Many victims feel afraid of their abuser or ashamed at what happened. Many people, even police officers, don’t understand why a woman would “let” someone hurt her. It’s not always that simple. An abuser can make their victim feel powerless, and police officers need to be trained for these scenarios.

This TED Talk by survivor Leslie Morgan Steiner goes into deeper detail on why victims stay.

Featured image via Huffington Post

Hi, I'm from Huntsville, AL. I'm a Liberal living in the Bible Belt, which can be quite challenging at times. I'm passionate about many issues including mental health, women's rights, gay rights, and many others. Check out my blog weneedtotalkaboutmentalhealth.com