Garrison Keillor What If God Put ‘Idiot’ Trump In Charge In Order To Test Us All? (VIDEO)

The nonsense surrounding Mayan Calendar prophecies came to an abrupt end when in 2012 the world quite inconveniently decided to keep on spinning. Despite warnings from unblinking zealots that the Mesoamerican portents of doom were — to use a latter-day colloquialism — as ‘sure as shit,’ the doomsday clock struck midnight, our diaphragms tightened like a vacation sphincter and then… then we all went about our business as if nothing had happened.

That’s the trouble with these end of the world scenarios. There’s no do-over, no clawing back of credibility; when you tell a person that the end is nigh, then it better damn well be nigh. Whatever the hell that means.

Give me a good plague any day.

Legs Eleven

The Abrahamic deity best known to his followers as ‘God’ was big on plagues. According to the book of Exodus, no fewer than ten plagues were visited upon Egypt after a misunderstanding between Pharaoh and Moses turned into something of a spat. Some of the plagues — the frogs and acne — were of little concern but some of the others really sucked. Like, for example, the one where God killed everyone’s first-born child. Dick move, God.

Still, at least that was the end of it.

Or was it?

God might have decided that an eleventh plague is long overdue and reports that he had already sent it America’s way disguised as a show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians might well have been premature. Because the eleventh plague is something far more sinister than the televisual equivalent of an aneurysm.

What if God sent President-elect Donald Trump to commit sins on our behalf in some sort of ironic twist on the story of Jesus?

Because he’s going to sit in the Oval Office and, to make things worse, he’s going to bring his children with him. You know, the little one whom we shouldn’t pick on. The daughter who’s cool with her daddy having daddy issues. The two sons who resemble shady drug pushers from old episodes of Miami Vice.

And of course, there is the other one, the one that nobody ever mentions. The one who is permanently on the cusp of taking her singing career to the next level.

Garrison Keillor certainly laments this turn of events. And he too believes that Trump’s victory might in some way be divine.

What If Trump Was One Of Us?

In an article written for the Hartford Courant Keillor noted that many of Trump’s most ardent supporters had written in and that he had been:

“… Impressed by the sheer variety of their profanity.”

With levels of stoicism not seen since the passing of Marcus Aurelius in 180 AD, the legendary radio host and author attempted to reason with his detractors. Keillor wrote:

“It’s not good form to curse at someone you’ve just defeated.

That is why the president-elect made it clear he would not be waterboarding Hillary or sending her back to Mexico. He was gracious in victory and said the Clintons are ‘good people.’ Several of his biggest applause lines seem to have been put back in the box. And his base is faced with the possibility that they may have elected a Manchurian. They know that he was a Democrat for most of his life and that the sight of Adam and Steve holding hands does not fill him with loathing.”

Just A Slob Like One Of Us

This election result was not all bad, nothing ever is. There are positives hidden away in the deep recesses of our subconscious and all that is required to dislodge them is a little time, a little patience, and a smooth stick of some kind. This election called out the evangelical moral posturing for the bullshit it is, for one. White evangelicals voted overwhelmingly for a thrice-married, pussy-grabbingprincess-perving, non-church attending serial womanizer with about as much moral fiber as a three-week old burrito.

And though Keillor acknowledged that his parents were

“Evangelic Christians who refrained from voting on the assumption that the Lord was in charge,”

… He seemed disinclined to pull any punches when it came to the general hypocrisy to be found on the religious right:

“Maybe God did choose this bloated narcissist and compulsive liar and con man to be president. And maybe he will send a couple of Corinthians to light his pathway. It does seem like the very thing God might do. Put an idiot in charge and cluster his clueless children around him and a coterie of old hacks and opportunists and thereby teach us, haughty journalists, a lesson. God made Balaam’s donkey open its mouth and say, ‘Quit hitting me, stupid.’ And if He could do that, He could make this moose a halfway decent president.”

And Yeah, Yeah, Trump Is Good

Maybe that’s the point. Not that some Bronze Age sky-god has blighted America with a biblical plague. Global warming is doing that without any influence from up above and with all the standing water it’s going to bring with it a glut of frogs seems most likely. Frogs we can deal with.

They’re pretty dumb.

It’s more that the celebratory chin spasms of Trump voters have put the petit back into the petit mal seizure. Blink and you will miss the precise moment when those collective upside down frowns begin to helicopter back to their original position.

Because we’re all in this together. The Clinton voters, the Trump voters, the Stein Voters, and yes, even the didn’t voters. We’re all watching Trump’s transformation of the United States from democracy to kleptocracy pass before our very eyes. Before too long, some of his idiotic plans are going to start hitting people where it hurts.

And when it does, we might all just wish that the Mayan Calendar had stretched to January 1, 2017. Because then we could enjoy the Christmas holiday semi-secure in the knowledge that Trump will never be sworn in. The world will end before then, we would cry. Merry Christmas!

Because this particular divine comedy has only just begun, and we’re already longing for the intermission.

Watch Garrison Keillor read a hilarious updated version of “The Raven” about Donald Trump

Featured Image by Ryan Somma via Flickr/CC BY 2.0

I'm a full- time, somewhat unwilling resident of the planet Earth. I studied journalism at Murdoch University in West Australia and moved back to the UK where I taught politics and studied for a PhD. I've written a number of books on political philosophy that are mostly of interest to scholars. I'm also a seasoned travel writer so I get to stay in fancy hotels for free. I have a pet Lizard called Rousseau. We have only the most cursory of respect for one another.