In a move that shocks almost no one, former Republican presidential hopeful and Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain has officially become a contributor for the Fox News Channel and Fox Business Network.
Per an official (and completely astonishing in its absurdity) announcement, Cain will provide analysis and commentary across FNC’s daytime and primetime programming, as well as on FOX Business Network (FBN).
Fox News Executive Vice President Bill Shine said:
Cain’s impressive resume [?????] makes him a valuable addition to the Fox News and Fox Business lineup. As a political expert with business savvy, he brings an important voice to the nation’s debates.
Cain joins the ranks of
formal political figures who can’t find work elsewhere an esteemed group of contributors that have included Sarah Palin (recently fired from Fox), pundit Dick Morris (also recently booted out), Karl Rove, far-left Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich, and former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown.
Cain himself couldn’t be happier. He tweeted:
He elaborated on his his website, CainTV.com:
Awww, Shucky Ducky!
As many of you have already heard, I am now officially a Fox News Contributor. I am very excited about the opportunity to be another voice for intelligent thinkers on Fox and to stand up for the conservative ideals that I campaigned for and that you all believe in. The United States of America is truly a great country, one where everyone has the opportunity to achieve their dreams. This is an exciting step, especially since it is coupled with my new radio show, HITM, Job Creators Network, and CainTV. It is my goal to save the saveable, and this partnership with Fox will allow for a larger platform to do that.
We The People are coming.
Yes, he really said “Awww, Shucky Ducky!” I didn’t add that.
Since being disgraced with sex scandals in his failed presidential bid, Cain has been busy with his own radio show launched on election day that replaced longtime syndicated conservative radio host Neal Boortz.
Cain’s presidential campaign was so riddled with embarrassing and unbelievable faux pas that he actually cut back on his campaign appearances in an attempt to avoid more gaffes. Let’s take a nostalgic stroll down the Herman Cain Campaign Lane (with videos!):
- The Cain campaign started off on a bad note when he used lyrics from The Pokemon Movie in the closing statement of the first GOP primary debate.
- He completely confused the Declaration of Independence with the Constitution, citing verbiage from the Declaration in a we don’t need to change the Constitution but we need to completely revise it speech.
- When asked if he was ready for the gotcha questions, he responded with when they ask me who’s the president of Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan? I’m going to say I don’t know, do you know??? and added knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world, I don’t think that is something that’s critical in focusing on national security and getting this economy going. He was later ridiculed by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Afghan President Hamid Karzai about his remarks.
- Not knowing what was going on in Libya (at all), he said it was because he got all this stuff twirling around in [his] head while at the same time criticizing President Obama’s handling of the situation.
- He ended his campaign in an amazing exit speech that included the Pokemon lyrics that he used in his first debate closing statement.
- While in Miami, Cain asked Cuban voters how to say delicious in the Cuban language. There is no Cuban language. Cuban people speak Spanish. (my IQ dropped 10 points just from typing that out)
- He suggested that the solution to the U.S. immigration problem should be an electric fence, with a sign on the other side that says “it can kill you.” He has since embraced Marco Rubio’s immigration plan.
- When has-been Sarah Palin quipped that Cain was the “flavor of the week,” he responded on The Tonight Show that he’s more substantial that the flavor of the week; he said that he is Hagen-Dazs Black Walnut. The company issued a statement saying “We don’t sell black walnut. The sales nationally did not meet our expectations. Unfortunately, it did not behoove us to continue with the product.” So yes, Cain was like Black Walnut. He met no one’s expectations and it did not behoove the country for him to continue.
- Cain had the brilliant idea of appointing 88-year-old Henry Kissinger as Secretary of State. Mr. Kissinger turned him down. Besides his advanced age, Mr. Kissinger is wanted for war crimes in some countries and had a scandal-ridden career of lies and deceit.
- After answering a question about who he thought had been an effective federal reserve chairman, he named the only federal reserve chairman he could name: Alan Greenspan. He was humiliated by seasoned politician Ron Paul who declared Greenspan “a disaster.”
- He couldn’t define whether or not he is pro-life or pro-choice, so he said he’s both! He then proceeded to basically lay out the full working definition of pro-choice as he was declaring that he was pro-life and that the government should have no role in a woman’s decision about her body, except when he said he would overturn Roe v. Wade and offer no exceptions, even in the case of rape or incest. Ok. I’ll stop.
- In response to a question asking what he thought of the Occupy Wall Street movement, he asked “What do they make of it? What do they want?” and finished with “If you don’t have a job, and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”
- He produced a bizarre and seemingly pointless campaign ad that featured his cigarette-smoking campaign manager and an even stranger ad that included farm animals.
- His infamous 9-9-9 plan appears to have been derived from the tax plan on Sim City. A video game. Really.
OK, look. I could go on and on. But what it boils down to is this: I am hella excited about Herman Cain joining Fox News. We sat for HOURS, in utter fascination, watching him during the 2012 GOP primaries; we have watched his YouTube clips to exhaustion; my (now ex) boyfriend printed photos of him and chased me around the house saying in a creep voice “c’mere pretty lady, you want a job, right? hehehe.”
We’ve missed Herman Cain. He was a big part of our lives. He was, to me:
The. Most. Entertaining. Politician. EVER.
I’m delighted that he’s joining the Fox News circus. I absolutely can NOT wait.
For a detailed explanation of “The Artist Formerly Known as Herman Cain,” you can enjoy Rachel Maddow’s brilliant analysis of the Herman Cain Campaign.
Here’s the video: