In recent news, there has been a scandal in my home state under Senator Lamar Alexander due to one of his staffers being discovered with child pornography. Jesse Ryan Loskarn committed suicide on January 23, 2014, out of guilt and horror for what he did- the hurt that was caused by his actions to the Senator, his family, acquaintances, and friends. Mr. Loskarn left behind a suicide note and apologized for his actions, and explained his actions- what led him to do what he did and why.
Why?
That simple question often goes through the minds of the survivors and victims of rape, molestation, sexual abuse, and incest. Why? Why me? Did I do something wrong? However, what often is not heard is the why from the offender- why they did to the victims and survivors that they did, why they stole that innocence, why they did such a horrible thing.
In Mr. Loskarn’s case, he does answer it. He apologizes, does not excuse his actions, and explains why he did what he did- why he viewed the pornography, and why he participated in the stealing of innocence of children. The answer is one that not many expect, and one that many will still scoff at.
He was once one of those children.
A victim victimizing others.
“I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse. It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video. The more an image mirrored some element of my memories and took me back, the more I felt a connection.”
Jesse Loskarn’s suicide note.
We often think that those that were victims of childhood sexual abuse would not perpetuate that same abuse or even participate in something that would be the result of the abuse and sexual exploitation of children. However, when a secret is painfully hidden, deeply locked away, with no counseling to deal with the feelings of guilt over something that happened, and blaming yourself for it, decisions do result that hurt others and hurt the victim. An outlet is sought and it is an outlet that allows them to deal with the pain, guilt, and shame that is felt by survivors and victims. They seek an outlet that places them back in that situation or situations to where they can understand it and themselves. Some even feel that it is natural because it is all they have known.? It then results in some even become pedophiles.
This is what happened with Jesse Loskarn.
My stance.
I am a survivor of rape and incest. I was sexually abused for the majority of my life, until it was discovered through a pregnancy that had resulted from the incest and rape. I have medical problems that resulted from the pregnancy because of my age.
I struggle with feelings of resentment and anger at times because of the medical problems that are affecting my life. It feels like that I lack some control and it puts me back in that place. I seek to advocate justice for the survivors and victims of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, incest, and rape. I seek to help those that have been forced on that path and to promote love and healing.
And the thing is, even those that have participated in the exploitation of children through the viewing of child pornography deserve compassion and understanding because, most likely, they were abused, exploited, or raped themselves.
Forgiveness.
I am also a follower of Christ. I believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I understand and feel saddened that Mr. Loskarn felt so ashamed that he participated in the exploitation and objectification of children.
People who do these things need help, not torture; what he did was wrong, yes. But he needed help and had no one to help him, and no one to reach out to until it was far too? late. This does not excuse what he did by any means. But let this be an eye opener for society, a call for compassion, and understanding. Let us instead promote the help needed to heal for sexually abused and exploited children and adults. Let us stop the shaming of them and instead reach out to help them.
I forgive Mr. Loskarn. And I forgive my rapist.
Edited/Published by: SB
