Some of you (most of you?) might be surprised to learn that there are quite a few websites dedicated to Christian sex. And not just sex, but kinky sex toys. From boring bedroom board games to anal beads and prostate massagers, Christians apparently do a lot more than pray in the bedroom.
Take Husband and Wife, for example. On their website, they write,
“Unlike traditional sex shops, we’ve cultivated an extensive, high-quality selection of adult toys, corsets, lingerie and romantic games, without any graphic, explicit or offensive images.”
Oh, thank God! No porn will be found when visiting Husband and Wife shops. I mean, because who would want to have to be in the presence of actual naked people when you can just look at rubber dildos? So much less offensive. Husband and Wife is a fairly tame site, though, and does not delve too deep into the good stuff.
Now MarriedDance is another story. They write with pride on their website,
“MarriedDance is a Christian friendly sex toy store. You can safely shop our large selection of marital aids without being exposed to porn or sex toys that contain inappropriate language or nudity on their packaging. All of the marriage toys we sell adhere within Christian religious boundaries.”
That’s right, they adhere to Christian religious boundaries. Like prostate massagers for men. Under the “Anal Toys” subsection, you can select “Prostate Massagers” and find a list of 16 different rectal dildos and anal beads made just for men. Christian men. Married Christian men. Let’s let that sink in for a moment.
The prostate massagers offered at MarriedDance have names such as “Anal Fantasy Collection P-Spot Tickler Vibe” and “Anal Fantasy Collection Anal Adventure Kit.” In fact, they all start with “Anal fantasy.”
But worry not, my child, as Christian women also have quite a variety from which to choose. Take the “Double Diver,” for instance. This is essentially a penis ring with a dildo on the bottom to allow for double penetration. And for the ladies who prefer their dildo to be a little more realistic, they have those, too! The “Real Feel Delux #12” 12 inch vibrator, for instance, looks just like a real penis. Good thing there isn’t any porn on this website?realistic plastic dildos are far less offensive.
Another company, called Bedroom Blessing, describes themselves as a “Christian Intimacy Boutique.” They offer Christian couples options for hiding all their kinky sex toys (I mean, who wants their kids to find their collection of anal beads and prostate massagers?). They have a section on their website called “Lock The Toys Up” and offer a variety of items to hide and protect the Holy sex toys, from “Sexy Secret Pillows” to “Large Lockable Vibrator Cases.” This way, kinky Christian sex is only between a husband, a wife, and Jesus.
I’m not sure why I was so surprised by the variety of sex toys offered (or by the simple existence of Christian sex toy shops), but it certainly caught me off guard. Kinky Christians are everywhere, apparently, and I guess nothing says “traditional marriage” quite like “anal fantasy kits” for men.
