The sound of clapping coconuts echo through the air as fifteen Republicans approach Castle Iowa, looking to claim the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination. Their leader, Sir Jeb the Bush, along with Sirs Paul, Carson, Huckabee, Santorum, Graham, Cruz, Rubio, Perry, and Walker, as well as Lady Fiorina, stop in front of the castle gate. The clapping coconuts cease.
Sir Jeb: Hello! Hello!
An Iowan appears atop the castle.
Iowan: Hello? Who is it?
Sir Jeb: I am Sir Jeb, the Bush, and these are my Republican knights! Might we have a moment of your time?
Iowan: Why?
Sir Jeb: Will you please tell your master we have been charged by God to claim the Republican Nomination? If he would be so kind as to provide us food and shelter for the night, he may join us on our sacred quest!
Iowan: Well, I’ll ask him, but I do not know if he will be interested. He already has one you see!
Sir Santorum (to Sir Jeb): He already has one?
Sir Jeb (to Sir Santorum): What?
Sir Santorum shrugs.
Sir Jeb (to Iowan): Are you sure he already has one?
Iowan: Oh, yes. It’s very nice.
Sir Jeb: Well, um, might we see it?
Iowan: No! Go away!
Sir Jeb: If you will not show us the nomination, then we shall claim it by force!
Iowan: You don’t frighten us, Republican pig-dogs! Go and [expletive] an [expletive] in the back of a trailer park, you [expletive] God-fearing [expletive] [expletive]! I fart in your general direction, your mother was corn cob, and your father smelled of a pasture! Now go away, before I taunt you a second time!
Sir Jeb: This is your last chance! I’ve been more than reasonable! If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall–
A cow is launched from Castle Iowa toward the Republicans.
Sir Jeb: Jesus Christ!
The cow lands on Sir Perry, killing his claim to the nomination like?corruption charges.
Sir Jeb: Attack!
The surviving Republicans charge the castle, but are met with a barrage of projectile livestock. Sir Huckabee and Sir Paul’s claims to the nomination are lost in the conflict, with similar prejudice as supporting an incestuous pedophile?or supporting the right to discriminate.
Sir Jeb: Run away!
The surviving claims to the nomination retreat into a nearby ditch.
Sir Cruz: I have a plan, sir.
Some time passes, but suddenly, a large wooden donkey is wheeled in front of Castle Iowa. After some deliberation, the Iowans pull it inside the castle.
Sir Jeb (to Sir Cruz): Alright, what happens now?
Sir Cruz: Well, now, Walker, Graham, and I wait until nightfall, then leap out of the donkey and taking the Iowans by surprise.
Sir Jeb: Who leaps out?
Sir Cruz: Well, Walker, Graham… and I… leap out of the donkey… and… uh…
The wooden donkey is launched from Castle Iowa toward the Republicans.
All: Run away!
The Republicans run, but the wooden donkey descends upon them, destroying Graham’s claim to the nomination like a Benghazi conspiracy theorist.
TO BE CONTINUED…
