In Part 1, the Republicans faced a worthy foe at Castle Iowa, ultimately being forced to retreat. Following their defeat, Sir Jeb the Bush proposed the group split up to look for the nomination.
The Tale of Sir Jeb and Sir Cruz
Sirs Jeb the Bush and Cruz?investigate?strange sounds and figures in the fog, ultimately running into:
Anchor: (chanting) Ignorant things!
Others join the anchor’s chant.
Sir Jeb: Who are you?
Anchor: We are the Anchors Who Say… Ignorant Things!
They all chant.
Anchor: The Anchors Who Say Ignorant Things demand a sacrifice.
Sir Jeb: But we are on quest to claim the Republican nomination.
Anchor: We will continue to say ignorant things to you if you do not appease us.
Sir Jeb: Well, what is it you want?
Anchor: We want… talking points!
*dramatic music*
Anchor:?You must return with talking points or else you will not gain… national exposure!
Sir Jeb: Oh, Anchors of Ignorant Things, you are just and fair. We will return with talking points.
Anchor: Ones that get?ratings.
Sir Jeb: Of course.
Anchor: And are of dubious authenticity.
Sir Jeb: Yes.
Anchor: Now, go!
The Tale of Sir Carson
Sir Carson coconut clacked his way to the north, accompanied by his trusty classical music mixtape. Suddenly, he stops in front of a two-headed giant.
Giant (both): Halt! Who goes there!
Sir Carson: No-nobody really. Just passing through.
Giant (both): I think not!
Sir Carson: Well, I-I am looking to claim the Republican nomination.
Giant (both): You’re looking to claim the Republican nomination?
Sir Carson nods.
Giant (David): Well, then I guess I’ll have to kill you.
Giant (Charles): Shall I?
Giant (David): I don’t think so.
Giant (Charles): Well, what do I think?
Giant (David): Oh, shut up. Get the phone out, I want to cancel his donations.
Giant (Charles): Oh, cancel your own donations, David. Do us all a favor.
Giant (David): What, Charles?
Giant (Charles): You’ve done a great job at trying to convince people that raising the minimum wage is bad.
Giant (David): Yeah, well at least I was able to keep Scalia and Thomas in my pocket.
Giant (Charles): Hey… where did he go?
Sir Carson flees the giant, listening to his mixtape.
The Tale of Sir Rubio
Sir Rubio struggles through a storm, but spots the G.O.P. logo shining brightly above a castle.
Sir Rubio: The nomination! I must claim the nomination!
Sir Rubio busts into the castle with the little strength remaining. He is greeted by a woman, Brandi, with several other women behind her.
Brandi: Hello, and welcome to Castle Wisconsin.
Sir Rubio: The Castle Wisconsin?
Brandi: Yes… it’s not a very good name, I’m afraid.
Sir Rubio: I’m seeking to claim the Republican nomination. I saw it. It is here.
Brandi: Oh, but you are tired. Please, you must rest a while.
Brandi escorts Sir Rubio through the castle, then takes him into a large bedchamber. She summons doctors to tend to Sir Rubio, but he feigns their advances. Sir Rubio struggles through the castle, looking for the nomination, before running into:
Sir Rubio: Brandi!
Ashley: I am not Brandi. I am her twin sister, Ashley.
Sir Rubio: Please. I must claim the nomination. Let me through.
Ashley: Claim the… Oh… Oh, bad Brandy. Bad, bad Brandy.
Sir Rubio: What?
Ashley: We… we have a nomination-shaped beacon.
Sir Rubio: There is no nomination?
Ashley shakes her head.
Sir Rubio stumbles into a room filled with women.
Ashley: Brandy should be punished. You must spank her, Republican. And then… spank me.
Women: Spank me! Spank me!
Suddenly, Sir Santorum rides into the castle.
Sir Rubio: Alright, well I guess I can stay–
Sir Santorum: Sir Rubio, for the love of family values, we must leave this place at once! You’re not Gingrich or Hastert!
Sir Santorum drags Sir Rubio from the castle.
