After losing a mind-boggling amount of endorsements, business partners, and, well, class, for saying that hordes of Mexicans crossing the border are murderers and rapists, Donald Trump didn’t waste any time visiting the Mexican border. Here are 7 reasons why he didn’t get murdered or raped while there.
1. They thought he was the chupacabra.
That’s right, despite his plane in the background bearing his classic Trump logo, multiple times he was mistaken for the chupacabra, which is often seen near the border.
2. It was assumed he was seceding from the United States with the other “crazies.”
I, too, was surprised?recently when John McCain, the well-respected Arizona senator, referred to Trump and his followers as crazies. Trumps stunt to visit the perilous and dangerous border with said crazies was at times confused with a move to secede from the US, an ailment that falls commonly on persons within the?borders of Texas.
3. All of the murderers and rapists thought he was there to break ground on a new Casino.
Rumors?spread early in the day?that Trump’s visit to the border was to break ground on a new casino. Whispers inside his campaign said Trump intended to take advantage of all the “cheap labor” available to him there.
4. They thought he might be an Oompa Loompa and they wanted a golden ticket.
While his unusually Dorito-esque skin color isn’t usually confused for the orange aliens employed by Willy Wonka, a recent rise in Wonka Bar sales close to the border confused some locals into thinking he might be an Oompa Loompa handing out golden tickets.
5. It was speculated that he might be handing out free copies of The Art of the Deal.
All of the murderers and rapists held off on crime for the visit,?hoping to receive free copies of Trump’s lauded and?extremely popular?book The Art of the Deal. Disappointment spread quickly when it became apparent they wouldn’t be able to break into the same businesses that Trump had been involved with during his four bankruptcies.
6. They had direct orders from El Chapo not to?mess with?Trump.
Hot-headed relations between the world’s largest and recently-escaped-from-prison drug lord, El Chapo, and the world’s?biggest headed businessman, Donald Trump, may have cooled recently when it was thought that?El Chapo might have?approached Trump about a possible appearance on Trump’s latest TV venture Criminal Apprentice.
7. Some thought he might be searching for El Chapo’s birth certificate.
After rumors of recent business?talks between the multi-gajillionaires surfaced, some thought Trump might be attempting to confirm El Chapo’s immigration status in order to hire him.?A few?Trump staffers stated the rumors were categorically false because Trump has never had a problem hiring individuals whose immigration status hasn’t been confirmed, including some of his wives.
