Christ, you’ll never believe this.
Sadly, of course you will, actually: Donald Trump is taking his limelight political shtick that’s been working so well for him and branching out. It turns out, he doesn’t just want to “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” He wants to “MAKE CHRISTIANITY GREAT AGAIN!” too.
Can this man’s ego go no further?
Yeah, this thing you’ve all been parroting for 2000+ years, handing down its traditions and rituals like the last drops of water in a 40-year drought, leave it to Trump. Not only will he show you how to lead those bankers right back into the temple, he’ll do it all with the zest of a coked-out Las Vegas car salesman. Seriously, he’s probably tennis partners with Kanye West by now.
Here’s his plan:
Step one—Trump vowed at a Texas rally, Friday, to jump all over any journalist who doesn’t show his good side. If there’s any surefire way to improve Christianity, it’s to make sure reporters don’t say anything that will hurt the Donald’s feelings.
Step two—Trump then bragged all about the support he’s been receiving for his campaign from fellow Christians, proceeding to drop names like Paula White, Sarah Palin and Jerry Falwell, Jr., not to mention Robert Jeffress—well known for his hate of Catholics, Mormons and the LGBT community—whom Trump brought right out onto the stage with him.
“God bless Donald Trump,” Jeffress said.
Step three—declare Christianity “under attack!”
“Christianity is under siege,” Trump said. “Every year it gets weaker and weaker and weaker.”
Maybe you’ve seen Christianity limping around, lately, dragging it’s cross behind it like a mummy’s bum foot ? You’d think America is the iconic damsel tripped on a sandstone, arms bringing its cloistered hands ever-nearer the nape of its neck, the way Trump bangs the Christian drum. Time to start moaning, and more importantly, FREAK OUT!
Step four—vow to remove tax restrictions from churches engaging in politics.
“It makes you less powerful than a man or woman walking up the street. You actually have less power, and yet if you look at it, I was talking to someone, we probably have 250 million, maybe even more, in terms of people, so we have more Christians than we have men or women in our country and we don’t have a lobby because they’re afraid to have a lobby because they don’t want to lose their tax status.
“So, I am going to work like hell to get rid of that prohibition and we’re going to have the strongest Christian lobby, and it’s going to happen. This took place during the presidency of Lyndon Johnson and it has had a terrible chilling effect.”
Step five—end with a vague promise for Christian dominance as soon as Trump takes over the presidency, and a whole “lotta fun.”
“When I said that there has to be a temporary ban on certain people coming into this country, we have no choice; there’s something wrong. There’s something really wrong. And when I said ‘Muslim,’ I was met with furor. If I would’ve said ‘Christian,’ people would’ve said, ‘Oh, we can’t do anything about it.’ That’s going to end folks…. We’re going to say ‘Merry Christmas’ now on Christmas. We’re going to start going to department stores, and stores, and you’re going to see big beautiful signs that say, ‘Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday,’ and we’re going to have a big, big, big lotta fun.”
And there you have it, folks—BINGO! Christianity will be “GREAT AGAIN” in less than a year’s time, and you’re going to have a blast getting it there. Trump’s going to replace the blood of Christ with Mountain Dew and have you bungee jumping from a crucifix before you know it. Only Trump can do that for you, and he’ll do it all with no money down.
Just sign here…
Featured image composite including Gage Skidmore / Waiting For The Word / Moanipo via Flickr, available under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic and Public Domain Mark 1.0 licenses.