Utah Mormons Trying To Stop Access To Masturbation Supplies

This article is based on a satire article. We didn’t realize it at the time of original publication and apologize for confusing some of our readers. We are leaving it here because even satire is becoming entirely too believable and that is something we should all be aware of.

Utah Mormons have done it again! The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is going after masturbation; they say it destroys the lives of our youth. Bob Whitbread, a LDS spokesperson, is lobbying the governor to limit the sales of Vaseline and Kleenex.

Seriously, our government does not need to be wasting their time on this religion-based bullsh*t!

Why are they just going after Kleenex and Vaseline? What about lube or lotion or toilet paper or paper towels or fabric towels? If someone wants to masturbate, they will find the supplies to do so.

If you are a Mormon, then it becomes a sin apparently. Here is what the church website had to say about it:

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal.”

We shouldn’t be too surprised. This is the same church that declared pornography a “public health crisis.”

Perhaps they declared it a health crisis because Utah is the number one consumer of pornography in the country. A Harvard economics professor, Benjamin Edelman, monitored subscriptions to the major porn sites and found most of the users were in Utah. His research found that:

“Subscriptions are slightly more prevalent in states that have enacted conservative legislation on sexuality.”

The percentage of porn users was higher in states that had enacted marriage defense laws as well. Here are Edelman’s opinions about why Utah ranked so high:

“Looking at the relative popularity of online adult entertainment among Utah consumers. One possibility is that Utah consumers find it difficult to obtain their desired adult entertainment through retail purchases. … As a result, Utah residents may be buying online (hence appearing in my dataset), whereas people elsewhere buy retail (hence not in my dataset).”

Please, Utah and ALL republicans, get your noses out of what we do behind closed doors! We don’t need the government intervening in our bedrooms. This is a total waste of time and money; also, it is highly unconstitutional.

Featured image via flickr, available under Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic license.

Hi, I'm from Huntsville, AL. I'm a Liberal living in the Bible Belt, which can be quite challenging at times. I'm passionate about many issues including mental health, women's rights, gay rights, and many others. Check out my blog weneedtotalkaboutmentalhealth.com