Woman’s Sexual Assault Claim Is The Most Bizarre Thing You’ll Read All Week

This is not from The Onion.

A Texas woman who visited a hibachi restaurant in Murfreesboro, Tenn. has made a claim she was sexually assaulted by a figurine of a boy urinating. The woman, Isabelle Lassiter, claims the chef at the restaurant used the toy to shoot water at her. In an interview with WTVF, the Nashville area’s CBS affiliate, Mrs. Lassiter said:

“It peed on me, basically. Out of his… wee wee area.”

It’s probably safe to say Mrs. Lassiter isn’t into watersports.

Mrs. Lassiter’s husband, James, also feels his wife was violated while they had dinner with their children.

“It was a sexual style assault on my wife.”

Mrs. Lassiter justified her sexual assault claim by telling police the toy had a penis. However, this is not true. According to police, who noted the toy was not anatomically correct:

“I observed the toy to have no penis and just a hole for the water to shoot out.”

But the Lassiter’s don’t care.

“Just because somebody cut off a piece of plastic okay it’s not there anymore… doesn’t change the fact that you’re getting peed on.”

But how seriously can anyone take the Lassiter’s claim? More importantly, because this story involves a lot of pinching the bridge of the nose due to it’s high degree of absurdity, how does a sexual assault claim this batshit affect future, legitimate sexual assault claims?

The Lassiters, however, are standing their ground. The couple released a statement after the media caught the story of their insane claim:

“People are missing the point. This was a sexually-oriented toy meant for adults, in front of minor children. We’re not trying to make money off of this. If the toy was in a bar, it’d be a different situation, but this was in a family restaurant with 13 to 14 year olds at the table. If people think it’s so funny, why don’t people go buy that toy and squirt a cop in the face with it and see what happens.”

I’m almost certain a cop wouldn’t cry sexual assault.

The Lassiters are firm in their claim that the toy was “sexually-oriented” and “meant for adults.” Perhaps they actually are into watersports?


Featured image via YouTube.

h/t ABC 11 News Nashville


Robert could go on about how he was raised by honey badgers in the Texas Hill Country, or how he was elected to the Texas state legislature as a 19-year-old wunderkind, or how he won 219 consecutive games of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots against Hugh Grant, but those would be lies. However, Robert does hail from Lewisville, Texas, having been transplanted from Fort Worth at a young age. Robert is a college student and focuses his studies on philosophical dilemmas involving morality, which he feels makes him very qualified to write about politicians. Reading the Bible turned Robert into an atheist, a combative disposition toward greed turned him into a humanist, and the fact he has not lost a game of Madden football in over a decade means you can call him "Zeus." If you would like to be his friend, you can send him a Facebook request or follow his ramblings on Twitter. For additional content that may not make it to Liberal America, Robert's internet tavern, The Zephyr Lounge, is always open