90-Year-Old Man Charged With Soliciting Prostitution Gives No F**ks

When I’m 90 — assuming my smoking, drinking, and not getting eight hours of sleep a night ass lives that long — I have every intention of being a crotchety bastard. The kids in the neighborhood will ride their bikes down the street, but suddenly stop as they approach my house. The new kid, let’s call him Smalls, will be like “Who lives there?” One of his new friends, let’s call him Ham, will quietly whisper: “That’s old man Franklin’s place. Stay away from there.” Then, I will chase them down the street with a curtain rod or something, calling them “whippersnappers” and “goddamn kids,” while ordering them to “get off my lawn” even though they were never on it.

Yes, sir, my perceived elderly future is going to be wicked sweet. I can only assume that the man featured in this article lives the good life as well.

90-year-old Nicholas Salerno obviously has not a fuck to give anymore, especially after police informed him that he was being charged with soliciting prostitution.

According to court documents obtained by theĀ Cape Cod Times, Mr. Salerno — who, I can’t stress enough is freaking 90 — paid 48-year-old Karen Proia $100 to perform a sex act. Right on, old guy; get that strange. According to Mr. Salerno, Ms. Proia was in his home. Later he noticed a necklace was missing, prompting him to call the police and report the theft. He accused Ms. Proia of stealing said necklace.

However, a police officer told Mr. Salerno that he also would be charged with a crime, the aforementioned soliciting of prostitution. Mr. Salerno, in his 90 years of iron-willed worldly wisdom, replied to the officer’s statement in perhaps the best way any man has ever responded to a cop… ever.

“I don’t give a (expletive). I’m 90 years old…”

Mr. Salerno appeared in court Tuesday and plead not guilty, because now he has a lawyer and has to tone down his “damn the man” attitude.

Ms. Proia also appeared at arraignment Tuesday, having been charged with larceny and prostitution. She, too, has plead not guilty.

If convicted, Mr. Salerno could be incarcerated from three months to two years, likely depending on whether or not he gives the courtroom the evil eye and the judge hides in their court dress. But even if Mr. Salerno ends up in prison, he’s freaking 90. He’ll chase other inmates down the hall screaming “get away from my cell!” while calling them “whippersnappers” and “goddamn kids.”

Featured image by Seedfeeder and is in the public domain.

h/t Law Newz

Robert could go on about how he was raised by honey badgers in the Texas Hill Country, or how he was elected to the Texas state legislature as a 19-year-old wunderkind, or how he won 219 consecutive games of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots against Hugh Grant, but those would be lies. However, Robert does hail from Lewisville, Texas, having been transplanted from Fort Worth at a young age. Robert is a college student and focuses his studies on philosophical dilemmas involving morality, which he feels makes him very qualified to write about politicians. Reading the Bible turned Robert into an atheist, a combative disposition toward greed turned him into a humanist, and the fact he has not lost a game of Madden football in over a decade means you can call him "Zeus." If you would like to be his friend, you can send him a Facebook request or follow his ramblings on Twitter. For additional content that may not make it to Liberal America, Robert's internet tavern, The Zephyr Lounge, is always open