When 65-year old Kenneth Pirtle decided to mosey on over to Walmart, he loaded up his pockets with the usual items. Keys, check. Wallet, check. Chewing gum, check. Cell phone, check. Handgun, check.
I mean, Walmart can be a dangerous place. Kids running around unsupervised, moms yelling at dads, surly employees scurrying away like cockroaches rather than waiting on customers… it can be a free-fire zone of jerkishness. It just makes sense to drag your piece in there. I usually take my M224 lightweight mortar in my kids’ Radio Flyer wagon behind me when I go, because you never know when I’m going to be forced to lob artillery shells into Housewares. There are some irascible folks over there.
Pirtle, being a sensible proponent of the Second Amendment and apparently lacking the sense God gave a billy goat, lugged his shootin’ iron into the Walmart in Jasper, Indiana one fine afternoon a day or so ago. He made it through the entire shopping experience without being ambushed by pirates or tripping over land mines, so he had no reason to lay down a field of fire in Ladies Apparel, or gun down the entire shelving staff in Hardware. His pistol remained securely in the pocket of his britches all the way through the checkout lane — though one gun-fanboy site recommends, “You should never carry your gun inside a pocket without it being properly holstered,” I’m thinking that Pirtle didn’t have his stored quite that way. As it turns out, he didn’t bother to have the safety on, either. And well he shouldn’t — if hordes of ravening Islamist terrorists burst through the loading dock into Electronics bent on madness and mayhem, it would have been up to Pirtle and his good friend Sam Colt to defend democracy in the Land of Lowest Prices Anywhere.
The cashier did not pull an Uzi on him while she was ringing up the new charger for his Hoverround, so he didn’t have to draw down. Instead, he reached into his pocket to get something — wallet, maybe, or cash, or a grenade just to make sure she showed the proper respect — but instead triggered his pistol. Woops! The bullet fired through his pants leg, ricocheted off the concrete floor, and smacked into a wall (thankfully missing the skulls of the children in the area, but hey, guns don’t kill people, so stop saying that). Pirtle was not injured, and being the Walmart Warrior that he is, stoically refused treatment for the minor burns suffered from the hot gun barrel. The local news site reports,
Police later determined that other articles in Mr. Pirtle’s pocket with the gun might have played a factor in the handgun accidentally discharging.
See? It was that pack of Dentyne that’s responsible for the accidental discharge, not Pirtle. (He is lucky, however, that he didn’t join the ranks of these brave Americans.)
Still, the police, heedless of the sacred rights of the gun owner to let loose rounds of freedom inside America’s consumer palaces, shamelessly charged him with criminal recklessness with a firearm. The nerve of those cops. They should have charged the Dentyne and left the innocent gun owner alone to spray more Second Amendment messages through the parking lot on his way home.
Those card-carrying liberals at Americans against the Tea Party asked an impertinent question:
So, NRA, which was he — the “good guy” or “bad guy” with a gun? The lines are becoming more and more blurred.
Here’s the answer, commies: everyone with a gun is a good guy. Guns are good. Guns are sacred. We must all drop our drawers, hide our faces, and sing paeans of praise to the Mighty Firearm. Pirtle is the latest in a pantheon of brave martyrs to sacrifice his good name and an afternoon of his time to stand in line in the courthouse because of an unfortunate incident involving freedom. So there. Put that in your gun and discharge it. You do have a muzzle loader on hand, right?
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Edited by JA
Published writer since 2001, focusing on politics, history, Web development, and other topics. First book is coming soon.