Imagine a guy walking up to a lady in a bar. And saying this.
“Hey baby. You looking so fine and sexy tonight….check this out baby. I’m just squirrel looking for a nut ya know what I’m saying girl?”
This scene was believed to have been played out in Florida recently. Only it wasn’t in a bar and the lady was a tree.
Police in Melbourne, Florida arrested 41-year-old Kenneth Crowder, who is being charged with with battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest with violence, and assault with a deadly weapon on a law enforcement officer.
Reports say that Crowder was running around a Melbourne neighborhood naked screaming “I am God!” when police found Crowder trying to have sex with a tree. The first officer at the scene tried to tase Crowder, but he was high on a new drug called Flakka. Flakka is a drug that resembles bath salts and carries powerful psychotic effects. Like the drugs “speed” and “crystal meth”, flakka can make people immune to normal amounts of police force. Crowder simply brushed off the taser prongs (puny mortal!) and attacked the officer, proving he was ready to fight for his green love!
Crowder managed to take off the officer’s badge in a struggle and tried to stab him with it. Other officers arrived to help “subdue” Crowder. Police have not mentioned charges regarding the lewd conduct with a tree. It is still unclear at this time if the tree was an unwilling participant or if it had one too many mai tais after a long conference in Orlando.
Strangely enough, as if this wasn’t already, had Crowder tried to “molest” a trash can in Daytona Beach, Florida he would have been charged with a very specific crime. Here’s some video.
