When I wrote that that the Trump-Oz collaboration was set to rear it’s ugly head, I resolved to blow my brains out. After some thinking, though, I realized that blowing my brains out would be a messy affair and would likely mean forfeiture of the deposit on my apartment. So, in lieu of decorating my walls in brain matter, I decided to use the oven instead. As I was about to put my head in the oven, this happened…
And at that moment, a little voice kicked on inside my head:
“Robert, bro, what’s are you doing?! Trump won’t be using Dr. Oz for health grandstanding! There’s no need to Sylvia Plath yourself!”
Sure enough, it was reported this morning that the Trump-Oz collaboration will not be as sleazy an affair as once thought. Don’t get me wrong, Donald Trump and Dr. Oz in the same studio still contains enough egocentrism to defy the laws of physics and redirect a gamma ray burst toward them. But it is nice to know that Trump’s daytime television appearance will actually have more to do with Dr. Oz giving the reigning Republican champion advice on how to stay healthy while campaigning and less to do with revealing to the world that Donald Trump may actually be a 183-year-old Civil War veteran whose pact with the Bell Witch requires him to steal the souls of children to keep himself alive.
But that was this morning and if we’ve learned anything from the cavalcade of horseshit that is Donald Trump’s campaign, what we know may actually be what we do not know within moments of when it become something we know.
It turns out, during the taping of Dr. Oz’s show, which coincided with my head-in-the-oven balk, Donald Trump did hand over information about his health after all. He stunned Dr. Oz by handing him a one-page summary of a physical he received from Dr. Harold Bornstein, who we all know is the wackobird who declared, in writing, that Donald Trump would be the healthiest president in the history of ever.
Dr. Oz spoke to CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta about the experience:
“Not knowing if we would see Mr. Trump’s medical records, I planned to do a full review of systems with Trump. I did that as planned when he sat down with me. He answered all my questions. We then discussed the need for transparency around both candidates’ medical records, a which point he produced a summary letter from his physician based on last week’s tests.”
Dammit. I see you oven.
Since the television spectacle will air tomorrow afternoon, CNN asked audience members about what they saw. Kelly Platt, a pharmacist intern at the taping who is openly a Trump supporter, gave CNN a quick summary of what to expect when two juggernauts of “reality” television come together.
- Donald Trump does not exercise regularly.
- Donald Trump told Dr. Oz that he is so good at golf, he could join the PGA Tour.
- Dr. Oz interprets Dr. Bornstein’s letter to mean that Donald Trump has no health issues.
- Dr. Oz noted that Donald Trump’s cholesterol has gone down to a level that only a “young person” would have, after being prescribed Statin.
So it became a merry-go-round of madness anyway. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. After all, the Trump-Oz collaboration is the unholy union of two “reality” television personalities in the place they’re most comfortable: a film studio.
I’m going to go rest my head in the oven. Please don’t wake me.
Featured image by the author, edited from an public domain image on Wikimedia Commons.
h/t USA Today