We on the Christian right acknowledge that it’s easy for misinformed people to falsely believe the Bible to be nothing more than a stern finger-wagging in book form. There are rules for everything, it seems! You can’t eat shellfish, you can’t eat hoofed animals that chew their cud, you can’t wear clothes made of mixed fabric, you can’t get tattoos, you can’t go to church if your manjigglies have been damaged somehow. We get it! Is there?anything?the Bible permits you to do?
Well! Because you asked, we’ve compiled a list of some of the Good Book’s best advice on how to find some action — the Wholesome Biblical Way. Enjoy! (But not too much, because that’s a sin.)
1. Take advantage of people while they’re drunk.?If the Bible teaches us anything, it’s that you are perfectly entitled to sleep with whomever you wish after he or she has slammed one too many goblets of wine and become incapacitated.?This perfectly acceptable strategy is used to great effect by Ruth, on the advice of her ex-mother-in-law Naomi, to get her master Boaz to notice her. Once he passes out cold from drink, Ruth slips under his covers and nestles in next to his “feet” — a Biblical euphemism for genitilia — and awaits his next command. Who knows how long she must wait in that sweaty crevice before he awakes, but when he finally does, they have a splendid time. Well, actually, Boaz asks her to continue waiting at his “feet” — until morning, in fact, presumably so he can sleep off his hangover — but we’re pretty sure that at dawn’s first light they get down to business. Score!
The daughters of Lot also take this course of action one night, in a quaint little cave. After getting their father completely cockeyed, they take turns with his everlasting Moses’ staff, and each, wouldn’t you know it, ends up with a bouncing baby boy. Because, you know, who really wants a daughter?
Now a word of warning. Some people might frown upon this technique. They might even overreact a little and call it rape. But as?Tea Party-backed Rep. Todd Akin?reminded us all, there’s “rape” and then there’s “legitimate rape.” …To be honest, even we don’t know what the hell he was talking about, so we’re going to move on.
2. Capture an enemy woman.?This one really excites us because there are no consequences if you don’t want any. None! The Book of Deuteronomy permits you to bring home an attractive young woman from a conquered land and “try before you buy,” so to speak. If she’s to your liking, then by all means, she’s yours. But if not, you’re welcome to set her free. At least you got a free lay out of the deal. And don’t feel guilty now that she’s miles from home and penniless. It’s her fault for being born on the enemy’s side anyway.
3. Present an exotic gift to the father of your sweetheart.?Guys, to get to the girl of your dreams, you must often first go through her daddy. This sometimes means lubing him up with exotic gifts. You might ask, but how exotic? Are we talking something worth in the thousands here? Have no worries! The Biblical David needn’t spend that kind of money to buy and bang his first wife Michal. In fact, what the future king of Israel presented to her father Saul cost him nothing at all but a few hours of simple labor. And what did he give him? Two hundred foreskins, freshly removed from the dinkies of his fallen enemies.
You might ask, but where am I going to find 200 foreskins? Look, we can’t solve all of your problems here. Get a grip — though not?that?kind, because it’s a sin –?and figure it out yourself.
4. Sleep with your brother’s wife.?This strategy is restricted to those with special circumstances — and a lot of patience. Let’s say your brother has a wife you really have the hots for, but, understandably so, it would strain relations between you and him if you slept with her. Well, you’re in luck because there’s a loophole. You see, if your brother dies without having a child, not only is it suggested but it is your?duty?to do the deed with the one you’ve had your eye on all these years. The best part about it is that your dead brother’s wife has no choice in the matter — even if she detests you, even if she blames you for her husband’s death or claims to have seen you slip a dagger between his ribs when he least suspected it. She’s all yours now! Sometimes it really pays to have been born a dude.
5. Hold a days-long sex contest.?This is precisely what King?Ahasuerus does to find a new wife after his first one, Queen Vashti, disobediently refuses to “show her beauty” to the wine-drenched revelers at the king’s party. First he orders all of the “fair young virgins” in the kingdom to be rounded up like cattle and slathered in make-up. Then he takes each virgin into his private chamber where, to the chagrin of young men far and wide, he steals her maindenhood until he finds one he likes best. This is how he meets Esther, who ends up as the lucky girl.
Now, it might be somewhat challenging to find that many virgins, and even if you could, it’d be even more challenging to convince them to sleep with you one-by-one. If you happen to figure out how to do it, please get back with us.
6. Fall in love with a member of the same sex as you and begin a responsible, monogamous relationship.?Wait, how did this get on the list? To be clear, you may?not?have feelings for or commit any sinful act of fornication with a member of the same gender as you. That’s?expressly?forbidden in the Bible and does not count as one of the Wholesome Biblical Ways to get some action, even if you first get the person totally hammered. You’re better off collecting foreskins or waiting for your brother to mysteriously die of arsenic poisoning.
Well there you have it! A few ideas to get you started on your journey to right-wing Christian-approved love. If you need to mix and match some of the ideas, that’s fine, but remember not to mix and match fabrics, because that’s a sin and you’ll go to hell.
Edited/Published by:SB
