We all remember the circus that was the pool of GOP candidates vying for the presidential slot during the 2012 election season. However, though the others did their best to make the Republican Party look as stupid as it has ever looked, there was no one more over the top and cartoonish than Rick Santorum. Rick Santorum was notoriously obsessed with gay sex. So much so, in fact, that not only did he become the butt of many jokes of political comedians on both sides of the aisle, but his last name was turned into a a hilarious internet meme by Savage Love?columnist and LGBT rights activist Dan Savage.
Thanks to Savage, the official definition of “Santorum” is “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” Now, however, we understand Santorum’s fascination with gay sex. Rick Santorum is not the super- straight, devoutly Evangelical Christian family man who abhors homosexuality. Quite the opposite, in fact. Rick Santorum is gay. He is not only gay, but he is also a liberal. In an exclusive interview, Rick Santorum finally tells all.
Santorum says that he is, and always has been, a liberal. He and other insiders in the Democratic came up with a brilliant plan to discredit Republicans. Santorum says:
Barack Obama walked into such a horrific mess when he stepped into office in 2009 that we all knew that there would be no way he could put everything back together in four years. We also knew that if he didn’t do it in his first term, Republicans would label him a failure, and stir up their wacky base. The only solution was coming up with a way to completely discredit the GOP. It turned out that the perfect solution was, well, me.
However, Santorum’s GOP Presidential bid was not the only thing that the Democrats did to discredit the Republicans. It seems unleashing the Rick Santorum we love to hate on all of America has been a plan years in the making. Santorum himself admits to devoting his entire career to being an undercover GOP extremist. He says that the only thing that was real was his obsession with gay sex. According to Santorum:
I had to look the part. I had to have the church, the family, really play the part. Of course I was obsessed with gay sex. Just like those guys who really think they are “cured” of homosexuality, I am a gay man who has had to go without the one thing I crave that I can’t have: gay sex.
Santorum says that he played his role well, and that the only person he has slept with since the charade began is his wife.
My wife and I love each other- as friends. We love our children dearly, too, of course. ?She’s in on it too. However, my entire political career was a hoax. We both devoted our lives to taking the GOP down, for the good of America. It was worth it. And no, I didn’t galavant around with men, either. I couldn’t risk it. My cover would have been blown, just like all those guys you see on gayhomophobe.com. They make entire careers of hating on gay people, only to turn out to be gay themselves and fall from grace. I simply decided ?not to risk it until the game was up. I couldn’t go down in flames too soon.
Now, however, it seems that Mr. Santorum feels that his job is done, and he can come out of the closet as a gay man, and as a Democrat. He says with a laugh:
I don’t think we can make those fools look any sillier than they make themselves look these days.
Thanks for a job well done, Rick Santorum, and for your huge sacrifice.
