Texas GOP Official Promises Seasons Beatings For People Wishing Him ‘Happy Holidays’

Throwing his ten-gallon hat into “War on Christmas” is Texas Department of Agriculture head Sid Miller, who took to social media on Dec. 16 like a twister to threaten those who do not wish him a “Merry Christmas.”

According to a status that appeared on his Facebook page — on which he is pretty active for a guy who heads the Texas Department of Agriculture — Commissioner Miller bluntly threatened anyone who would give a nod to the plethora of other holidays and festivals that occur over the month of December. “If one more person says Happy Holidays to me,” he writes with the vigor of a thousand angry cattle drivers. “I just might slap them.”

Yikes! So if I were to run into Miller at, say, a line dance/bingo hall/gun show (since I’m pretty sure those actually exist), and wish him “Happy Holidays,” he intends to coil back his pimp hand, keep it strong, then brand the side of my face with Texas habanero heat?

Mr. Miller’s aggressive repudiation of political correctness notwithstanding, what makes this Facebook status all the more entertaining is the image. After all, this is a time traveler who rode his steer through the Quantum Leap Accelerator and is heading toward this pharmacy for answers as to why he’s here, right? In all seriousness though, it’s pictures like this that make people like my wife wonder where all the cowboys are when she leaves DFW International Airport after moving here from San Jose, Calif.

Sid Miller, who has been Commissioner of the Texas Department of Agriculture since Gov. Greg Abbott’s reign of terror began in January 2015, is no stranger to making moronic, controversial statements. Some of his greatest hits include posting a meme that advocates making “peace with the Muslim world“ in the same way we “made peace” with Japan at the end of World War II, a Facebook status that compared Syrian refugees to rattlesnakes, and making comments in defense of former reality show personality/duck whistle fetishist/beard aficionado Phil Robertson, who was suspended from A&E’s Duck Dynasty for nine days in 2013 because of disparaging remarks he made about homosexuality in an interview with GQ.

I would just like to point out that threatening to slap someone is not a very Christian thing to say to someone who wishes you good tidings. Conversely, whenever someone wishes my atheist ass a Merry Christmas, I smile politely and thank them.

So, I propose the following: we should all wish “happy holidays” to Sid Miller and everyone else at the Texas Department of Agriculture.

Featured image was created by the author and is hosted at imgflip.com.